Becoming Orthodox...

It was Jim’s turn to attend The Liturgy of the Pre-sanctified Gifts last night and so after I had put the kids to bed and said my prayers, I curled up on the couch with a tattered copy of Northanger Abbey, I had checked out from the library. In between reading about Miss Morland’s trials and triumphs with Mr. Tilney, I reflected on the whole Orthodox thing. That’s the way my crazy mind works. I almost have to go somewhere else to think about me.

One aspect of the whole Orthodox journey I thought of were the blogs written by Orthodox I often read. I am amazed by their knowledge of Saints and Orthodox dogmas and etc… And then there is me who will be officially Orthodox as of April 10, but has felt Orthodox for quite a while. But my blog doesn’t necessarily reflect this change. I talk about bumps on the head, and teacups and my children…because I like to tell stories and also to have some written record of significant and sometimes not so significant events and epiphanies in my life. I have been heard to say, “the un-examined life isn’t worth living.” I think that’s a true statement, Orthodox, or Buddhist, or Jewish, or Secular Humanist, or PoMo or whatever you choose to call yourself. Maybe I’m wrong…

I’m nervous about relating the truths I find in Orthodoxy as I don’t want to get something wrong and misrepresent the faith somehow. I’ve spoken at times about some personal insights I’ve gained along the way. However, I don’t quote saints very often, or expound on heavy hitting foundational beliefs. Part of this is my lack of knowledge and part of it is my fear in “getting it wrong.” I also believe it comes from experience I’ve had teaching middle school youth groups.

Way back, prior to when I met Jim and was attending a large non-denominational church (the same where my beloved and I met and were later married) I worked with the middle school kids. At one point, I was teaching the middle schoolers just about every other week. I enjoyed this immensely, but it was also a burden. Spiritual attack would rear it’s head as I was preparing. Crazy things would happen…brand new tires would explode, house keys would disappear (well, that we could blame on my natural scatter brained-ness), clutches would disintegrate while I was driving…you get the picture. I’m not quite prepared to have that happen here…of course I did set my own hair on fire the other day…

Of course now that I’m Orthodox (well…almost officially), I realize the fullness of the faith is to be found within Her walls, but I also still feel as if there was some truth to be found in my upbringing in the main-line protestant church. It was Grandmother who taught me the Lord’s Prayer, which I now say 4 times a day. Mema gave me an example of humility I’ve yet to see matched in any other living human as well as giving me an appreciation of nature and how we are called to care for it. Summertime found her leaving pans of water out for birds and squirrels so they wouldn’t die in the hot Alabama sun. The funny thing is she was constantly warring with the squirrels to keep them out of her bird feeders. Crying now…leaving memory lane.

I don’t discredit those lessons learned from those women just because they weren’t baptized into the “true faith.” Is that bad? I don’t think so.

And then there is my love of popular culture. You know the girl who always had a copy of People and Rolling Stone tucked into her back-pack in high school…the one who could relate all the facts of Bob Geldolf’s recording of Do They Know It’s Christmas. Well, I was that girl. I will admit that I have watched, The Osbournes and enjoyed it. I like movies, particularly old ones since Mema and I used to watch them and I can now check them out from the library. And I often getsomething deeper from this stuff. U2 and Peter Gabriel lyrics have led me at times to deeply explore facets of my spirituality long ignored and in need of watering. The explorations have certainly taken on a different turn since becoming Orthodox (well…almost officially). But, I suppose it’s easy to look at someone like me and think…”how superficial.” Those who know my inside know that’s not true…

Ok…going to attempt to cut to the chase here and end the rambling. I’m truly thinking with the keyboard…aren’t I! All of this and other thoughts ran through my mind last night. Somewhere in the midst of it, a thought sprung up. “You aren’t reallyOrthodox and you never will be.” So, just where did that come from? I had a pretty good idea just where it came from. I entertained the thought for about three seconds and then completely discredited it.

I live (and love) “The Way” and try to live within it’s precepts…although I’m sure I fail. I pray and fast and try to read some of the Church Fathers (mostly from The Psalter and the Holy Fathers and The Bible and the Holy Fathers), I’ve read up on Saint’s lives here and there and consumed a few Orthodox-themed tomes; however, I am by no means an expert. One of my Lenten goals was to read, Brothers Karamozov. I learn more from stories than I do from didactic tomes…so there you go. And now I view stories through a different lens…and gain different truths from them.

It boils down to this, how one approaches the sliding board. When I stand at the top, I think about the ride…what it will be like to feel the wind in my hair and if my eyes will sting from the onslaught of cold air in my eyes. Others focus on the bottom of the slide. I don’t think either approach is wrong…just different and if we keep our eyes open we have much to learn from each other. The more I live the life…the more Orthodox I feel…officially or not! I’m sure there is a place in The Church Christ founded for a breeze-lover such as myself…

Lord, have mercy on this breeze-loving sinner!