A little unwell
The other evening, I walked up the stairs to Ana’s room to kiss her good night. The door was closed and there were all sorts of angry noises issuing from the room. With a sigh and a roll of the eyes, I knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” Ana’s voice sounded frustrated.
I opened the door and walked in to find her bouncing from the bed to the wall, making exasperated “uhh” sorts of noises.
“Honey, what is the matter now?”
(Parental aside, I shouldn’t have said “now.” Ana, however, is making forays into pre-adolescent mood swing territory, I’m pretty sure. Scenes like the following have become somewhat common around here. I let my frustration get the better of me, may God forgive me!)
“I can’t put my earrings in without looking in the mirror. Lily can do it, but I can’t.” Ana flung herself on the bed in exasperation.
“Sweetheart, that can take years to learn. You’ve only been able to take out and put in your earrings for a week. And, in the whole grand scheme of life, it’s really not a big deal if you can’t get your earrings in without looking in the mirror. I know it seems like the most important thing to you in the world right now, but when you’re a bit older, you will realize that it’s not. I promise.”
“But Moooommmm. I feel like a baby.”
“Oh, Ana. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve been hard on myself my entire life and now I’m just a little bit crazy. You don’t want to end up crazy like me, do you?”
A smile crept onto her face. Inwardly, I’m thinking, “thank God I broke through.”
“But you’re the good kind of crazy Mom.”
The good kind of crazy. I guess coming from my 9 year old, I can take that as a compliment.
Speaking of crazy, over the last several weeks, I have been thinking about disorders I may or may not possess, particularly in the area of food. Since last August, I have lost about 35 pounds, give or take a few. After David was born, I lost most of the weight I had gained with both kids, with the exception of about 10 pounds. Once we gave away our dog and daily walks became less of a necessity, I gained a little weight and it stayed steady for a couple of years, then I gained a little more, my husband was laid off and my life turned upside down and I gained a lot more.
Last August, I weighed as much as I did when I was pregnant with the kids, not my heaviest mind you, which I hit my senior year in college at 192 pounds, according to a weight watcher’s scale, but 184. What really frightened me was that I had gained 14 pounds in one year, which seemed like quite a lot. Additionally, I was also suffering from plantar fasciitis and my feet ached all day long.
At that point, I decided to take some action. It stood to reason that if my feet hurt like they did when I was heavily pregnant, that if I took off some of the weight I had gained they would feel better. But this is and was scary territory for me and not the first time I had ventured down the weight loss road. In college, I joined weight watchers in my senior year to lose the 50ish pounds I had gained since starting school.
When I look back at that time and the subsequent years when I was in graduate school, I can see that I had a very controlling attitude towards food. I literally measured strawberries in a cup to make sure that I was getting the “right” amount. If I ate too much one day, I would exercises 2 or three times the next day to make sure I didn’t gain any weight. If I was sick, I did not skip a workout. Pretty scary when you think about it. My weight actually went down to about 134 pounds, which according to all the charts is an acceptable weight for someone as tall as me. Looking back at pictures it looks a bit on the too thin side.
At any rate, entering into the world of weight loss was a little scary for me. I didn’t want to go into that state of being ridiculously controlling about food again. Clearly, I eat for emotional reasons, stress and/or sadness. What’s better than a hot fudge sundae after a ridiculous day at work? But I knew I had to do something, particularly because of the physical symptoms I was experiencing, and that it would be easier to lose weight now, rather than later when my metabolism could take a nose dive.
Rather than joining weight watchers, I found a free calorie count site on the web, and started entering food. I focused on making sure I got a decent amount of exercise. And I tried to have the right attitude, ie, not freaking out if I ate a little too much one day and not compensating for it by working out excessively the next day. I did not exercise when I was sick and I did not track calories on the weekend.
But folks, it’s scary. On one hand because I worked so hard to lose weight (it ain’t easy when you’re in your upper 30’s, have a full time job and a family to fit in exercise). When I’m sick and not exercising, I worry about gaining weight. When I eat “off plan” I worry about gaining weight. I’ve managed to maintain my goal weight within 3 pounds since April, but emotionally, it still feels touch and go. If the scale goes up one week, I have to talk myself down off an emotional ledge of panic. I’ve gotten better, I think, but that panicky feeling remains, and I wonder if it will always be there.
And I hate, hate, hate that so much of my personal self worth still seems to come from a number on a scale. It’s truly ridiculous. Not that it’s bad to feel somewhat proud about losing this weight, but really, if it went up 10 pounds would I suddenly be a “bad” person. No, but my feet might hurt, and that is reality. I need food to survive, also reality. Hot fudge sundaes and obsessively counting calories don’t make all of life’s disappointments disappear. Reality bites.
The calorie count website I currently use has forums and I tend to read them here and there. I’m not alone in this journey of figuring out how to eat properly. The following article was posted and I think it’s a worthy read if weight is something you struggle with. It’s quite frightening to think about what our society has made of eating. As humans, we used to eat to survive. Now that it’s not so difficult to get food, it’s become something else… status symbol, God, maybe even a dysfunctional family member. At any rate, check it out if you have a few minutes.
http://www.self.com/fooddiet/2008/04/eating-disorder-risk
I hope my friends out in blogland don’t struggle with these issues, as I do. But if you do, may God grant you (and me) peace.
Food, Weight Loss
Reader Comments (8)
A wondrous comment from Ana; and I think it's good to be a bit crazy [says a crazy one himself].
Thank you for also sharing so deeply and personally on your struggles with food and weight; I truly do think women have it far harder, particularly with self-worth, than men in terms of how the media portrays 'a woman'; and I'm already worried about by nieces. But my relationship with food is one I know is unhealthy; and what is worse as I'm over-indulging too much I know its wrong but go on. Or, as you wrote, I become so fasitidious about everything I eat...
It's just gone midnight here, so I'll leave the linked article until tomorrow, but thank you for posting it, thank you for this post, and my prayers for peace and love to you and all who struggle with food issues.
Thank you, Ian!!
Hugs to Ana.
I agree, it's hard - I hate that I feel out of sorts when I put on weight, but I do. I feel unhealthy, and not at my best. Lord have Mercy.
But, it's always a struggle. A daily struggle, and I hate that too!
I think it will probably always be a daily struggle for me...and I don't like it. But, I suppose I could be struggling with worse things...
"But Moooommmm"
How well I remember the sound of that wail! Geesh! You are right on the money re: the pre-pubescent hormonal swings. It starts so early for the girls nowadays it seems. Hang in there and do not beat yourself up for impatience or whatever. The days eventually balance themselves somehow and you will find yourself Facebooking with your daughter and her writing "My Mom is my best friend." <3
As for the food thing, I've been 'skinny' my entire life and have had to listen to people tell me to eat more and gain weight or I'd die from anorexia nervosa. Geesh x 3! Eating is a burden for me. An interruption through out the day when I must stop doing whatever it is I am enjoying doing at that moment.
Now that I am (cough) 50, I've gain some very necessary weight but when I walk past the mirror and look at myself I think, "gracious me but you have a [fill in your favorite body part]." For me it is the jiggling butt or thighs. I think I look like I've swallowed a submarine whole. Everyone else sees a thin woman.
Distorted self image. I think I shall stay away from mirrors and enjoy that ice cream sandwich. 127 pounds is not over weight for a 5 ft. 2 inch female no matter how that weight is distributed. It's about time I have a curvaceous figure!
Blessings to you and your dear family! Peace.
Thanks, Athanasia...it's nice to know have the commiseration of pre-teem mood swings!!
And may we all learn to accept ourselves just as we are!! A good lesson for our daughters..
Thanks for the parental tip about not using the word 'now' even though it may be recurring that your child is having a lot of problems and complaining. I also like that you talk about how not looking in the mirror is a problem which can later be solved by her and for her not to worry about it. Lots of good parental takeaways from the post. :)
You're welcome, Kirill. Blessings!