I feel a little better now...

All three children are at camp.  They’ll be there for two weeks and while many parents might be jumping for joy at the prospect of 2 childless weeks, I have felt a little weird about it.  I’ve always wanted to be a mother.  I like being a mother.  Don’t get me wrong, when I get some time to myself, I enjoy and savor every moment.  However, those previous times of solitude have been when the kids were at the grandparents or with friends.  I could get my hands on them in 15 minutes if I wanted to.

This time, they are a 3 1/2 hour drive away and completely out of my “zone.”  Most parents (I think I’m not alone at least) have a sort of invisible boundary line when out with their children.  You don’t have to see them to know that they’re close by.  Once you “feel” them move out of that zone, you start looking around, wondering where they are.  The kids are way out of my “zone” and it feels, well, weird.

Dropping them off was the hardest part.  Before we even left the house, David  asked why I couldn’t come be with him at camp for 2 weeks.  “Because camp is for kids,” I said. 

“But, Mike is going and he isn’t a kid.”

“Mike’s a big kid,” I replied.

Finally, David was admitting to me in a characteristically round about way that he was nervous about camp.  Maybe even a little scared.

“Look,” I said, “It’s OK to be nervous.  It’s OK to miss us when you’re at camp.  But you just have to tell yourself, ‘I can do today.’ And then you wake up the next day and say to yourself, ‘I did yesterday so I can do today too.’ And within a few days, you’ll be having so much fun you won’t want to come home.”

“Ok,” David said.  But I knew he wasn’t convinced.

So, drop off time came.  I took David to his cabin and got him settled.  We stowed his stuffed animal under his pillow where no one could see it.  Jim went with Ana to get her settled into her cabin and according to Jim she immediately bonded with her counselor and seemed pretty much, “fine.”  Mike ran off and we couldn’t even find him to say, “goodbye.” He’s an old pro at camp, this being his third trip.

Jim took David aside and gave him permission to cry when missed us, “It’s OK if you feel sad.  But if you end up coming home, you’re going to miss out.”

I hugged David, and blessed him.  He tried really hard not to cry and succeeded, but those big eyes were full of unshed tears.  God it broke my heart.  I found Ana and said goodbye to her.  She seemed to be just fine.  Jim had to use the facilities one more time and I had a chance for one more hug from David.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  Ripping the band aid off is often easier than a slow pull, after all.  But I finally decided I couldn’t “not” say good bye to him one more time when he was clearly in my line of sight and a mere few steps away from me.  We made eye contact and he ran over for one more hug.

It was hard. David is probably my most sensitive child.  I knew this camp thing would be hardest for him.  It’s probably why he needs this the most.  The chance to be without his Mom for a while and see that he will be OK.  And David will be OK, but it will be hard at first. 

I can’t tell you that I haven’t worried about all three of them.  I’ve said a lot of “Lord have mercies” in the last 24 hours.  I happened to check the camps “summer memories,” picture page this morning and all three children are there, with smiles on their faces.  I feel a little better now.  There’s still that weird feeling of something gone missing, but I know I’ll adjust.

Comments

[elizabeth]

:) Camp can be a real blessing to kids; I begged my Mom every year to not come until the last possible minute to pick me up again... :) I worked many summers years later at a camp and it was very rare to have a camper who did not adjust. By the picture you saw, all is well. You've given your kids a gift in letting them go!

[Laura]

Thanks, Elizabeth. I loved camp when I was a kid and also worked as a counselor. I know they're having fun...it's just a different feeling!